Britt brings her macaroni and cheese to the party.
Symmer: Brittney is a great cook. Tastes almost as good as her vagina tastes.
Jasmine: But is it as cheesy though?

Kira: you ever had Dad serve you a bowl of sand? I have... I thought it was kosher salt.

I'm in the wrong profession!

to me: "You should be an entertainer... slash clown."
-Ana Breton

Tommy: Dear Erin,
How do i stop my farts from smelling like egg nog even when I never drank egg nog?
sincerely,
Man with egg nog farts

My dad's thoughts on Black Swan: "Black Swan and Showgirls: both make you hate the dance world. Showgirls just has the added bonus of gratuitous nudity."
my mom, same subject: "Dumb show, done brilliantly."

Dad's Christmas poem:

Rhyming is a hassle
it makes you use a word like castle
what the hey, you want to say
it comes out a funny way
that archaic rhyming bullshit is for assholes.

Something just gave me a boner... -davey

he's the only 67 year old with a photography studio, and parkinson's, and an AK, that I know. - Scott

Rachel's claws come out

Teenage hoodlums (whom we KNOW have been pocketing things) in Sephora are shocked that we're closed, at 10pm (later than usual, for holidays). Girl, to Rachel: You mean like in 5 minutes?
R: No, like we've been closed for 15 minutes.
Are you serious?
R: Serious as a heart attack.

This is really only funny if you know Rachel. She's the model customer service girl!

Alex, the film student...

"Couldn't watch a film with no balls in it. Keep me interested for a second; show me some scrote."- Alex Horwood

"Wait- Black Swan is a wildlife documentary, right?"- Ana

HamCam

"There's not enough cam in this ham..." -Sarlo

Really odd TMNT reference

The Splinternet... take that, Shredder! -Josh

Horrifying imagery

Teri (middle- aged coworker at Sephora): Man, that salad went right through me! Ten minutes later and I'm peeing out my butt!

Josh and I are talking about how I never hear the alarm in the morning.
Me: "I could sleep through it for hours!"
Josh: "That's what she said."

"Ladies! I'm horribly attracted to both of you."
Ryan (Caroline's husband), holding up both hands in drunken peace signs, as Emily and I leave.

Sarlo: "This dub is a little toooo step..."

Qualified

me: Why are you helping move a couch?
JSarlo: Because I have two college degrees...

Like it or not, we're family. And family has awkward dinners together.
Me to Erin, on work dinner

Easy Listening station

"this listening is a little tooooo easy..."
-Sarlo

i have this theory that Dexter is a pretty mediocre show and it only gets as much attention as it does because most other things out these days are complete shit so dexter looks like a shiny diamond in comparison
but i'd have to watch more tv to really back that up
and i'm just not willing to do that
-Aaron, the television critic

8am, Josh H. in eastern european accent: i don't want a scrub, scrub is guy that cannot get my love. (vaguely reminiscent of TLC No Scrubs)

Tommy, on LDS Doctrine

Tommy: god creates problems and challenges, and then wants us to pray to him
to solve his problems, that he created for us.
Which is almost the same as giving someone a noogie and telling them to name 10 candy bars.

at brunch: I ask if I can have half of one kind of french toast, half another. the waitress says yes. Josh: "nothin' like a half and half to honor the sabbath."

Levi and Zach share an awkwardly long, close-mouthed kiss. Levi: "You still taste like my uncle."

"I liked Deep Space 9. it was like Cheers in space." -Eric Fisher

mmm, me llamo tacos. taco caliente... - Christy

Lauren to Jeff, about Vegemite on counter: did you know what that was? Jeff: yes, i did know of its vegemite status, as per my ability to interpret symbols.

those new corduroy pillows, they're makin' headlines! and diarrhea? it's hereditary. it runs in your jeans! - Repo

I mean, there I was, 19 and I'm fucking the shit out of this 16-year-old? I mean, I was stupid. -my father in law, about my mother-in-law.

i make fun of my sister for wanting a 72 hr emergency food supply: Kira- "whatever, you'll be up in the aves dyin', and i'll be chilling with my 72hr bag, lootin'!"

Josh's little cousin, to Jed: you're freaking me out. every word you sing is scaring me! *starts crying*

Jed singing to little cousins: sometimes you feel sad. other people do too, but that's okay. let's learn about consequences...

New band name

Thanks for coming out tonight, we're Jesus Crisis! - JSarlo

Oh, WHYcan'tweallbeFrench!- AnaB

Tommy: You are like the naysayers that Noah left behind. Verily I say unto you...

i'm probably not saving the world by throwing away a mop a week, but... -Nick on Dollar Tree mops

Ich bin ein borracho!- Alex (Doud's roommate)

fuck you, Rick. - Alex, to Nick

Dad: Miss you. me: miss you too. Dad: No ya don't. But it's nice of you to lie.

me: maybe you should just try to make a better donut!

the leaf guy: "down the street there, is a line for donuts. this is a daily thing, this line for these donuts. that's what i need, something people line up for."
me: "maybe you should just try to make a better donut!"

Portland, homeless looking guy: hey, can I ask you a question? Josh: sup, man? guy: what's the biggest leaf in Oregon? these ones here are huge!

you cannot get hearing aids by drinking from a deaf person's glass.- Sam

what did harry truman say about nagasaki? i fuckin' destroyed that. -Sam

what did the snowman say to his girlfriend? why florida? oh, that is heartbreaking. - Sam

they can't drink!? then how do they get pregnant? - Pappas, on the facts of life

may have been manufactured in a facility that contains AIDS - Sam

"there's no such thing as time, that's a thing that was made up..." - Ana
"there's no such thing as time- the only thing that's real is tacos." - Josh S.

a girl on the quidditch team just called me, she can't come tonight... yeah, the broom must remain between your legs at all times.- some girl at Cafe Marmalade

Ryan, Josh and I decide to watch The Man Who Wasn't There.
Josh says "Oh... we can't watch this. It was made before 9/11. That means it wasn't based on reality..."

I'm going to start a new diet craze called "The North Korean Diet". It's basically anorexia with a sexed up name to make it sound exotic. - Adam Little

Being alive is a really unreasonable thing to do. I am an unreasonable person. - David Nielson

If I saw myself on ChatRoulette, I would whip out a dong on myself! -Ana

You look like a sci- fi serial killer. -Ana, to me.

I don't think you're thinking the way Grindr needs you to be thinking. - Kira, on a disturbing phone app.

Chad, on James Franco

"Poor man's Heath Ledger? Poor man's Heath Ledger?"
Chad, to Ana

"Lemme ask you a question: if Heath Ledger were still alive, would he be in 127 Hours? Yes, he would."

Mel: k woman, time for me to run
See you tomorrow. Remember to put out!

(Not really sure if he was telling me to remember to put out, like, as a general rule? Or to remember to put out when I see him for coffee tomorrow? Either way, pretty funny.)

Clint on Facebook

Clint: HI ERIN!
I had a dream about you last night
Me: you DID? do tell
Clint: You were wearing my mother's skin, and dancing like the dude from silence of the lambs.
right?
so then you took of the mask and it was my brothers face under that, but i knew it was still you
then I got really aroused
don't tell anyone
anyway, what's up?
me: what
Clint: IT'S A JOKE, YOU KNOW I DON'T DREAM. ONLY PEOPLE WITH SOULS DREAM

My mom would cry if you mentioned Jesus. If you mention the word "cheese", she'd probably be like "cheesus..." *sniff*
-Isaac

Boy and girl sitting behind us at Sufjan show

Guy: "yeah, well I got Thomas Jefferson."
girl: "Wasn't he like, a scientist or something?"

y'know, archaeology fits into alotta things. like if you wanna know about the ancient- like, the past... - some brainiac girl at the U

Ana to Erin Fox: "You like, eat clowns in the morning!"

Don't get me wrong, I love my dad, I love doctors. I love my hair, I love my house...
-EFox

Don't JINX it, Chaney!
-Ana B.

"If your name is not Ana Breton, you are stupid."
-Erin Fox
Ana: "Where does this brilliance come from!?"
"It's called mindlessly eating Gardetto's?" - Erin Fox.

it's like Santa Clause and the Easter Bunny became hot women giving out blowjobs! - Eric Fisher

Susan B. A BITCH, more like.
-Josh

Ryan, if you told me you had both a penis and a vagina, I wouldn't believe you. Because I think you only have male genitalia.
-Adam

*commercial voice* "The Office- 30 Rock for idiots..."
-Josh, in his infinite television wisdom.

Erin Fox

Oh dear... they're having a tea party over there...
Erin F on whatever Ana and Mark are secretively discussing

Ana on food

Ana: I just can't worship what I will soon poop.

On the topic of getting off one's high horse

Everyone's contentedness to ride around on tiny ponies, sucking up other tiny pony's fart fumes, is depressing. It's a good thing that a few people are on a taller horse, so they can survey the scene and direct traffic. - Kansas

"Yes. Taste my teeeam..." - Josh, while watching the Jazz game last night

Eric Fisher Heston

Silly rabbit! Trix are people! TRIX ARE PEEEOPLE!

-Eric Fisher

A regular Dalai Lama

Maybe that's the key to happiness... resignation.
-My mother, the lovable negative Nancy

Josh on The Office (u.s.)

"Tonight on The Office: Jim looks at the camera quizzically."- Josh

little boy around 10 in Hull sitting on his bike, says he loves America. Says he just came back from Orlando and he loved it. I say "Orlando!? You cannot say you love America because you went to Orlando."
after a moment of silence, girl sitting next to him mutters dreamily, "Orlando Blooooooom..."

Little girl to Eric: "Do you like your accent? I hate mine. I wish I had an accent."



(phonetic translation: "d'yew lak yrawksint? Oi 'aight moin. Oi wesh oi hud n uksint."

Asses?

Girl sitting on the fence in Hull: "Ah yoo 'ea t'see the aaaahses?" Translation: "are you here to see the horses?"

Girl asking why Ana is filming in a phone booth

First girl: "Are you making a moooooveyyy?" her friend says: "I'm a pooooooorn staaaaaaahr!!"

Ana: I'm going to start working on my English impression.
Eric: It's easy. Just make sure you include the phrase "I say, old bean." and "what what!" at the end.

later that night, Ana: "Knock knock -who's there?- interrupting England. -interrup- HELLO BEAN WHATWHAT!"

RUUNNGnungngngngng.
- Ana's chainsaw impression

Ana: pssst
hey
I found out what you can give me as an eternal birthday present
me: ?
Ana: Alright. So I'm getting a camera and setting up on a tripod. Then, your face will be there, and you will sing the entire "cold war" song

josh.sarlo: must we have this discussion again?
just think of it as counting "sheep"

Josh to Jonny: I was thinking today about having a totally normal business conversation with an associate you've met but never really spoken to, and you say something to this person, and when they respond, just totally normally pick your nose DEEP. and then respond with a very pertinent comment. I mean, you maintain eye contact during this procedure. Nod perhaps as you're doing it. Never smile.

josh.sarlo: have we NOT discussed my propensity to count penises?

Compliments over breakfast

Josh: "Your nails have always been gross."

you don't wanna see us in white. trust me. this shit hides eeeverything! -Ashlee on why we're wearing black

Ashlee: dis broad... she steals all ma quartahs. loose, in rolls, it dont maaata.

Ashlee- i would never use the word uber, but yes.

hey. if i ever. ever. give a fuck about Jodi Foster... kill me now. -Josh

Josh: "more like the adventures of hipsterberry finn!" Ryan- "We can't go down this river, everyone's heard of it!"

is that why people go out to loud, hot bars? to fart? - Ryan

man, i wish there were an app to scratch my balls. my nuts itch. GOD, i wish there were an app for that. -Josh

i mean, i don't know if he has a girlfriend but... he has a girlfriend. -girl working at Vasuvio's

New Indie-hop band

Fox and Chaney, kickin' it with tha fresh beatz...
Erin Fox

Taylor: all our songs and movies are about love and how complicated it is, but out of all the relationships we'll have in our life, I'm pretty sure the ones with our parents are waaaay more complicated. just that no one talks about it because it's that bad I guess, haha

Me: Missy is irrationally afraid of little people. Caroline: you mean like, Mexicans? : no... like little people.

uh, we'll have two coffees, - (to me) and what do you want to drink? ahahaha. - Josh, at breakfast with just me, ordering at Gourmandise.

Kari: you can dance! you can dance! everybody take off your pants!

Um...

me: "My scalp has been tingling off and on for weeks! It feels like there's bugs in my hair, but it's always the same spot."
Josh investigates, pulling back my hair: "Yep. Looks like bugs."
me: "Eat 'em!"
Josh licks my scalp, which has tons of product in it. Reeling, "I'm never doing that again."

Nick: Shia LaBoeuf makes a living playing old people's sons.

Monacle is the new briefcase. -Josh Sarlo, (aka Josh #3)

you're so gross. i'm so hot. life doesn't seem fair, does it? - stupid cartoon bunny purse belonging to gross girl at johnny's on 2nd.

josh- oh, sweet! snickers almond. yeah! (josh finds a snickers by the bedside)

Toast Mcghost... - Justin

Spencer- I held the door open for this lady and she started combing her fingers through my beard! she said "doesn't that get hot in the summer?"

dad singing Flintstone's theme at Green Pig: "we'll have a gay old time! not that there's anything wrong with that!"

man, I lack the... necessary means for... necessary means for... dealing with this shit. - Josh

if i had known we were gonna be camping with the Kardashians, I would have gone about things differently. -Josh on camping drama

Willy: Going to Philly tomorrow
me: Oh cool, you gonna-
Willy: ... to see your mom.

citizen kane 2: electric boogaloo. -Chris Hanson

Rarely working

My hours have been cut at work recently. This has been a topic of discussion since I've been doing a lot of work from home in the last couple days, but we haven't brought it up in hours.

Josh puts honey mustard on his corned beef hash, even though I warned him not to.
Josh: You're right, this was a bad idea.
Me: I told you! Honey mustard rarely works.
Josh: YOU rarely work. BOOM, too soon!

girl at Twilight: no no no, not Jonny Depp. it was Jackween Phoenix!

you know that bad B.O. that kinda smells like pencil shavings?- Jill

Britt: You're such a good friend...
tell me a joke.

yeah, i said it! boogie woogie! -Stephen to Matt

Josh and Ryan, peoplewatching. Ryan: that guy is either from the future, or space... Josh: Dude. you gotta quit drinking.

Ryan: (sings) bad boys, bad boys... Josh: what are your intentions?

Questions you should probably know the answer to when you're an OB Medic

medic: susan's daughter had her baby? know what's weird, is she said they put a catheter in her vagina. in her cervix. wonder how often that happens?

man in medic meeting: i have a mole on my ass... woman: we can lance it here, save you a $20 copay. other woman: oh, it's 25 now.

It is too early for this nonsense...

8 AM: Josh picks up a test tube of hair stuff I got for free from the salon (it is shiny goo): What is this? Unicorn goo?
me: Hey. That stuff is expensive.
Josh: I bet. Unicorns are rare!

gonorhea, more lika stayorhea. -Josh - more like diarrhea. -David

your blog can suck a fuck! -Tay

there's no such thing as an innocent hiccup. -Tay

Tay- you guys seriously don't have any vinegar? Levi- I'm sorry, I didn't know you were gonna get the fuckin hiccups on my porch at 3 in the morning.

it's a party pizza, man. gonna have an oven party. -dude walking by Levi's balcony, carrying pizza box- apparently talking to Levi unprompted.

so you're 23... you should get a kitty!! -Missy to Caroline from Germany

no no no no no! you cannot sing that song! everyone sings that song to patchatooity. yes i fucked up that word!- Ryan, on Friends in Low Places

no! you never peppermill! fresh ground pepper? enjoy! -Ryan, on lewd hand gestures

spare spare spare a nug whatcha got to lose? spare a piece of chronic so we can get confused. - homeless dirtbag teens outside Pioneer

Stan, in meeting: if you do that, i will kick the shit outta you. and i know you're thinking; "how can you do that... physically?" (Stan is a paraplegic.)

after a long stint away from the video production office... Ben: It's the prodigal videographer!

me: i think my medication's been working pretty well... Josh: yeah! you're not a psycho!

Erin (other erin): i'm gonna get a tramp stamp! luke skywalker with a ray gun.

Heather, when I say hello: hi! how are you?... you are so beautiful! me: you don't know who I am, do you? H: no...

do you remember darby o'gill and the little people!? that was sean connery, man! - That kooky James Cunningham

Jordan- it's like that riddle- why is a raven like a writing desk? cuz when you stab its eye with an icicle it fucking dies and freezes! you guys are the worst.

every time i feel like my skin's growing spikes, it's horrible. it's like i'm walking on my arms through the grass.

I met the king of Octopedes! -James Cunningham

Kari, on re-meeting after a long lost first encounter: I'm so glad I found you- you're like Natalie Portman in my Closer.

you married yet? not yet? well, have a wonderful life. - Old hippie lady to young businessman at airport bar.

maaaan, your dick is so soft alll the time, Adam! - Kari

Cherie: i'm having a babeh! it's a wine baby. lookitdat baby! i'm having a wine baby.

that's so cool. i've never bruise-kissed anyone before - Kari
Jack- you'll develop a taste for it- you'll be bruisekissin with anyone who'll have ya.

you wanna have a kid? i'm giving out children this week. - Jack the crazy hippie

1969, my wife started with the mime troupe that year... - Jack

journalistically, I'm known as the big bad red rooster. "Where is the outrage?" is my crow. Jack, the old man from the vineyard

corn makes juggalos... -adam

rain makes hip hop, hip hop... ticks! -adam

Kari- rain makes corn, corn makes whiskey, whiskey makes my girl... get a little frisky!

cherie to adam: what happened to your book? adam: oh... butter.

"I don't like it when people quote everything I say..." Cherie

Cherie, talking to a pen: you're a pen. i'monna write the shit out of yew, pen.

michael jackson!... he has a big nose. and a monkey. michael jacksooon. -Cherie singing. wtf?

banana in the dark! band name! - me

... best vacation ever? me, to Cherie

"...do you wanna talk about cheese again?"- Cherie

6 billion miracles are enough - bumper sticker

Cherie, on XM radio: Robert Plant? Who wants to listen to Robert Plant without the cure?

Adam singing along to old-skool soul: "oh baby i just wanna buy you something SO NICE... i got somethin inside... just TRYIN to get out!

you should get a trampoline tattooed on your lower back... get a tramp stamp. -Brian

Cherie to Adam, first thing said after waking up: Do you want to put your phone on the charger? Adam: Stop asking me so many questions in the morning!

we should open up a curry restaurant and call it naan of your business! -Brandy

weird (socially awkward) tranny at bar in sf: what's in your wallet?

some people call me mango... - man getting a girl's number on haight/ashbury

Sean, at Sephora: I was thinking 'i'm the only guy in here! well... Erin's kind of a dude."

dad: try raising a fuckin' family drumming full time... mom: yeah, who'd be dumb enough to do a thing like that?

guy at Halloween party: "hey, could I have a hug? i'm having a constest with myself to see how many tits I can get pressed against me. yours are real nice." :(

Sylvester Stallone looks terrible! He looks like Prince. -Josh

Russian dudes on CR

in: what you name?
out: your music is too loud
in: look
in: it s russian rap)))
out: ahah
in: what you name???
out: what's your name?
in: Vovik
out: ok
in: vlfd
in:
in:
out: dark hair, vovik
out: and blond?
in: Vladik
(Vladik flashes the Vulcan hand, I return it)
out: greetings, fellow dorks
out: live long and prosper

"if you're going to a party and wanna impress everyone, so you bring your tall good looking friend... that's your brophy wife." -Josh

"oh, you don't know Rick? he's really cute... well he's not really cute but he's really nice..." -Teri, on some guy

Josh: Erin's world! Erin's world! Farty time! Excellent!

Josh: "when's the last time god made himself a sandwich?"

dad, looking at an old picture of himself: "man, I look good. I'd fuck me."

Aimee/ Omegle

Couldn't sleep, so I tried a video chat service called Omegle that hooks you up with random people. Tonight it was a young girl in a pink wig. My audio wasn't working, so it was just text. I know this is huge compared to my normal posts, but it's important to keep this one in the archives.

You: i have a pink wig too

Stranger: well do u have cancer??

You: no, do you?

Stranger: yeah

You: ah

Stranger: might as well have fun with it

You: i absolutely agree

Stranger: just started losing my hair so..

You: i also believe everyone should have a hearty hat collection

You: how old are you?

Stranger: 17

You: what kind of cancer?

Stranger: tumer in my stomach

Stranger: and spreading

You: i'm sorry.

You: that's very painful

Stranger: its okay

Stranger: sometimes

You: aw, honey! (*she's trying to casually wipe away tears)

You: you're going to be fine.

Stranger: its okay

You: :)

Stranger: sure

Stranger: lets just tlk about something else

You: absolutely!

Stranger: whats life like

You: haha, broad question!

Stranger: like kissing a boy

You: oh my!

Stranger: sex

Stranger: stuff like that

You: some boys have absolutely no clue what they're doing

You: that's for sure

Stranger: haha

You: the first boy i french kissed

You: it was like having a slug in my mouth

Stranger: haha

You: but i don't think he was trying very hard.

Stranger: lol

You: when they have their mind on other things they rarely are

You: they want to skip straight to third base

You: and you're like WHOA, not EVEN on the field

Stranger: haha

Stranger: ur very pretty

You: aw thanks!

Stranger: ur welcome

You: i love your nose. i'd steal it if i could

You: haha

Stranger: hah

You: i'm Erin.

Stranger: i hate my face

You: shut UP

Stranger: i am Aimee

Stranger: i have such a man face

You: what EVER.

You: well.

You: did you have any specific questions about... boys?

Stranger: no

You: seemed like maybe you did!

Stranger: i do but they will be for another lifetime

You: ??

Stranger: the doctor told me i have about a year or so left

Stranger: so i stopped treatment and am just having fun

You: so you don't have any living left to do!? any one of us could have a year left

You: you just have the benefit of being reminded to appreciate it.

Stranger: exactly

Stranger: so i am traveling to Auchwitz

Stranger: i wanna see it

You: wow!

Stranger: Well they had it worse

Stranger: i have been there once. it was so amazing

You: where do you live?

Stranger: Canada

Stranger: in Saskatchewan

You: so what do you do in your free time, when you're not wading through penises on video chat?

Stranger: go to a mall and people watch. I just make up stories of their lives!!!

Stranger: its fun for me

You: i LOVE doing that!

You: that's my favorite.

You: i dated a boy where that's all we did

Stranger: or i pretend to pass out in a store

You: OMG that's hilarious

Stranger: i love scaring people

Stranger: or i go trick or treating!!!

You: have you ever staged a flash mob?

Stranger: whats that??

You: that's where you have everyone agree to show up on, say, a street corner

You: and they all show up ON THE DOT

You: and like, bring a boom box

You: party it up for like 5 minutes

You: and then disappear

Stranger: haha

Stranger: i should do that

You: or we have zombie walks all the time here

Stranger: i will have to do that at a mall

You: people just get gored up and go a wandering

Stranger: so whats ur fav band??

You: hmmm.

You: i love Little Dragon right now, and Flaming Lips. You?

Stranger: Down With Webster

Stranger: cause i know them all!!

Stranger: well this guy i like told me to meet him at the park

Stranger: i am going to sneek out!!!

You: DO IT

You: are you on facebook?

Stranger: no

You: well, my email is chaney.erin@gmail.com if you ever want to chat again

Stranger: i deleted that once the cool girls spread roomers that i shaved my head and became a whore

You: oh, boo

You: they're the whores

Stranger: i know

You: besides

You: you've gotta pack a lot in

Stranger: a week ago one got pregnant!!

You: whore it up, i say

Stranger: thats my motto!!!

You: as long as the boy is cute, respectful, and makes you feel like a goddess

Stranger: but this guy is taking me to a party!!!

You: woot!

Stranger: so i have to go

You: ok

Stranger: byee Erin

You: party it up. you have my blessing

You: nice to meet you, Aimee

Stranger: you just changed my life!!!

You: whut whut! mine too!

Stranger: byee!!!!!!

*Kira's phone starts playing the intro to Prince's Pussy Control* me: that's awesome! Kira: it's my birth control alarm.

"i never wanted to suck that guy's dick but i love the New York Jets too much not to." -Ryan

i had shorts with paint stains on them and jackie hated them but i was like they're ironic because i'm not a working man- i'm rich! Tima on fashion

"it's like, Adam and Eve had lots of babies and they were all related, so it's ok because it's in the bible." -Tima on the South

Jared: "NASCAR fans don't..." Josh- "Have an education?"

"kali maaaaaaa!" -Tima's response to others speaking Spanish

"Hey baby, I'm reading you from left to right, and you're in English... I'm readin' you all wrong."-Ryan

"...and I said, dude! You're putting Descartes before the whores." -Ryan

"It's hipster Normandy!" -Ryan, when wave of Twilight concert kids ran toward us

we get done watching the most depressing doc ever, The Bridge... Nick: "Da Bridge..."

nick: "can i tell Mexican jokes?" ana: "... around me?"

Whitney, chugging a stein: "i don't like that the cup is as big as my head!"

At karaoke, me to Belle: "you should be up there singing that!" Belle: "I KNOW! I'M FUCKIN GOOD!"

"so, i was eating spaghetti in my underwear..." Adam

"swedish furniture baby, the first time i use it, it goes and it breaks yeah..." Adam, to the tune of Mariah Carey Fantasy

Bacon Ice cream

All things in moderation... and especially bacon. Like, bacon martinis!? Come on. Grow up! Grow up. -Josh

Chelsie: (on topic of different Hot Pockets) wow, how do they keep putting all this stuff in this stuff!

Harmony- I was scooping the powder into a sample with this little spoon, and i felt like a tiny apothecary- and suddenly I realized- I felt like a gnome!

these shorts (boxer briefs) are just fantastic. tell josh about em. they were recommended by the bartender at gracie's. jockey gold mesh. we be likin them. -dad

"Oh fuck! Where did you COME FROM!?" -my mom, to an ant in her bed

"did the karaoke guy say he was gonna get you on sooner? he does like you and it's your birthday." "yeah, he said so. i mean, i did hug him like 12 times."

"who says that to the birthday girl? especially when she has these!? who has two thumbs and is awesome? this girl." -Belle on her birthday

Squatter's Server

At Squatter's with Josh for brunch...
server, whose name tag says Zachari: How's your food?
us: Delicious!

-Thanks, I cooked it myself.

us: Well, you did a fine job! (We're all in on the joke at this point)

-I also brew the beer, and own the place! I built the building with my bare hands.

us: Brick by brick! Uphill!

-With my feet pinned behind my ears!

a little later...

server: Thanks for coming in today! I'm Jeremiah Squatter.

Kira "what if you were a whoreder and you hoarded whores? that'd be funny."

dad: "it could rain at any minute." Kira: "oh no it's not, they just chemtrailed the shit outta the sky. it's not rainin' for a while."

Josh, tune of When You're Strange: "when you're weird... you find some weird shit in your beard..."

"get the fuck outta my town, Bobby Flay!" - Liz

Mom arguing with Dad over prop logistics: "What is wrong with you!? If there's two babies, there's two butts!"... I love pride season.

Sephora girl on lunch: "He was sweating. And crying. It was hot."

"I wanna hire him for parties." Adam on Jed

Kira: "I know someone who will marry people in nontraditional ways, if you know anyone in need of that..." Alan: "Like, bungee jumping?"

ssa guards to each other: man, that's a lotta money. - why don't you resign, go hunt him down?

weird woman with floppy wig at SSA building to sec guards: ya know, bin laden's the most wanted, they made the reward 59 million. isn't that cool?

drunk asian man at Gracie's: "You look familiar. Where from? Korea... Indiana."
me: "Never been to Korea, or Indi...ana."
him: "Oh! Nice lady."

(I'm almost positive he was trying to ask if I was Asian, as in Korean or Indian.)

tune of Two of Hearts: "Two old farts... i peed blue, i peed blue..." -Josh

Chuck: "Ope! The antelope's back!"

Ryan: "so, if you're from Crete and you left, are you an excretion?"

me: "is she still a negative Nancy?" Josh: "is she still a one- up Wanda?"

well, you know what you do with a floater, right? flush twice. -Nick Nielsen

"you just confused me out of my panties!" - Josh

"this chair is givin' me a gangsta lean.-Kira

"Eric Fisher, professional good-looker." -Eric Fisher

Smart toddler!

kid walking past Dani being filmed dressed as hobo on Main St: "why does she need money if they have all those cameras and stuff?"

"whoa! it's like a to-go cup, but to stay!" -Dani

Jesse: "a little louder next time..."

On set, between crew

Pamela (in earshot of the director): "Jesse, be careful of the light in the shot." J: "copy, light's in shot. thanks for throwing us under the bus, Pamela. Little louder next time." P: "copy that."

"It was so cold I had to treat my wife for hypothermia." "I can imagine what you mean..." "A little skin to skin action!" - Two men on the set of Mask of Redemption

Facebook woes

Josh: Did you see my status update today?
me: NO! God dammit, they never show me yours, for some stupid reason. Who do I have to blow around here to see my own husband's status updates!?

Josh, muttering with no prompting: "Eric Blowfins... Charlie Skagnipple..."

Josh trolls a guy on NBA2k

Some dude sends Josh a text- type message on his basketball video game that says something to the effect of "hey, your game is lacking. get some skills and you can play with the big dawgs." something like that.
Josh's response: "Pubes?"
guy: "I don't speak Spanish."
Josh: "Esta bien."
guy: "Speak English or not at all, I don't understand you."
Josh: "I said pubes. That's real talk."
guy: "Oh why you talkin bout nut hair, you like balls in your mouth or somethin'?"
Josh: "You ever watch MC Hammer's Pumps and a Bump video?"
guy: "Nah."
Josh: "Really weird. YouTube that."
guy: "Aight."

I'm standing right here...

Asian guy at Indian party: "I've never dated a white girl. EVER! Hell no." *friend gives him high five* "well maybe one. I don't know, she was Portuguese."

"Starlings are fuckin' assholes!" - Chelsea

Whaaa?

I pass a coworker in the hallway on my way to the bathroom. I don't know him well, he's an older tech who works in the creepy equipment graveyard.
This is what I heard, not what he said:
"Hot bass?"
me: "huh?"
"Hop ass?"
me: "Allllllright!"
him: "I was wondering what your response would be..."

I know now, after having mulled it over, he was saying "Hall pass?". Is English my first language? Yes.

"Prosti-owl, skankier than the other owls..." - Ana

"You gotta put the pow in that wow!" - Manju

Guy inspecting fitness magazines at Smith's marketplace, talking to his girlfriend: Even his face muscles, look at him! *disgustedly*

me: the revolution will not be televised, but it will be livestreamed. david: i'm waiting to know who you're quoting. me: i just made it up! d: ...glenn beck?

tiny kid trying to play hide and seek with clothes shopping mom, at Target: "I can smell your feeear!"

More from the peanut gallery

Josh, singing while playing video game: "It don't mean a thing if you can't see its wang..."

Another gem from Dad

(excerpt from an argument between my Dad and I- he thinks DVDs are still a viable media format, and I think they're already defunct. He says people "still like to have something they can hold" as opposed to uploading to a server or backing up on an external drive. I think he's "just old". :) )

Dad: "But what if the Russians hit us with a dirty bomb and all our file servers are destroyed!?"

Why this would change what would likely happen to a DVD in this instance, I do not know.

Bringing sexy back... from China

Me: Did you just google image search "sexy panda"!?

Ana: Yes I did.

Ben, on switching to quicktime format: "Quicktiiiiime! in ya butt!"

Dad: hey, there's a funny idea for ya- geese fashion show!

gun nut in Mech Eng class: "*Kappporrrr* (gun noise) and all I saw was the same snake, without the head."

Caroline: "which city do the Suns play for?" Phoenix. "Oh, yeah! Gnarls Barkley played for them."

Dani: "what do you want from Sonic?" me: "hm, something vegetarian." D: "*gasp!* Popcorn chicken!"

Jed, on video games: "war. what is the future of warfare? brainwaves? explain your answer and cite three sources... one source. three is a lot."

Josh: You do everything for me. me: Not dishes! Josh: That's true. But I don't want you to do dishes... you're no good.

female u of u custodian to male custodian: "Did he use Hercules?" man: "Spitfire, diluted." Shop talk comes with every job, I suppose!

Kira grabs for newspaper: "oh, let's see what's going on that I can't participate in!"

old man at moustache party: "so, uh, are there gonna be any more... pot sessions?"

Ryan: I remember that picture! I can't believe I peed that much!" Patrick: "You peed sooooo much!"

me to Josh: whatcha thinking about? josh: nothing... long island.

time flies when you're dragging around in a chronic fatigue fog...-Kira

Christ. Mas.

Josh singing, to the tune of the Christmas song Jolly Old Saint Nicholas ("Jolly Old Saint Nicholas, lean your ear this way, don't you tell a single soul what I'm going to say)( (yes, on March 12)):
"Little son of Bethlehem, where the shit are youuu?"

A Hell of a Treat

Taylor: "I wish one of us were infertile, that would be the shit. I want to adopt anyway, so that would just be a hell of a treat."

SF Compilation

Brandy was cracking me up yesterday, so I took notes on my phone to remember to transfer later (since the stupid Bloggr text thing doesn't work). I'll set these up as little as possible and get right to it.

Walking to the bus station past the 16th and Mission train station, tons of people and a lot of weird stuff going on, but I notice that on the subway exit all of the parts that would normally be chainlink fence are this pretty network in different colors, like a sculpture with birds instead of screens.

I gesture to the screens, which have lots of people sitting around near them, and say "I like all the colored-"

"FOLK?" Brandy guesses, loudly.

We end up trying to go to the bathroom in the Sundance movie theater, and an African- American man with a lovely African accent is standing next to the escalators in all his Sundance regalia. We ask if it's okay if we go in without a ticket, he says no jokingly. We smile, start up the escalator and I say "hey, look at my shirt!" (I'm wearing my "I got the clap at Sundance" shirt, but I just really want to point out that I had no intention of showing up at a Sundance theater, yet here's my coincidentally matching shirt!) He has trouble reading it, because yeah- my chest must sort of warp the words, so he takes a minute to respond, looks up at us sort of inquisitively, and Brandy yells "She was just trying to show you her boobies!"

Later on the bus, Brandy was sort of verbally entertaining herself and for some reason turns to me: "HAIRY AREOLAS!... I've never said that before! SAY IT!"

Earlier we had watched this weird video by Die Antwoord, the Ninja one with the primordial dwarf in it. He wears a creepy hood and his face is sort of deformed, but we were talking about how much we loved primordial dwarves (just because it's sad they rarely make it past about ten years old).

Brandy puts her hood on in a dark corner and I tell her she looks sort of creepy.

"Do I look like a guy with primordial midgetry?"

I dunno, the word midgetry is just so far from dwarfism I laughed for a long time. I never promised these would be funny to anyone but me!

Air Pollution Control

I've been filming this chemical engineering course most of the semester. It's very dry, though the teacher tries to be fun.

Prof, to me: "We ready to start filming another exciting class?"

student: "What, you gonna dance for us?"

Prof: "I was thinking I'd rap some."

another student: "Where's your bling?"

Prof: "Gold's not really my color, so..."

Babybag

At Rachel's, baby Penelope is being a little overly grabby and has already spilled my glass of wine once. I finish the glass and set it back on the table. Penelope grabs for the glass:

"HA! It's empty now, you douche!"

Rachel: "I cannot believe you just called my baby a douche!"

"Well, she was acting like one..."

girl overheard talking to girlfriend at Avenues Smith's: I just don't feel anything. Why don't I feel anything? Shouldn't I be crying, something?