Master twerker

Holy shit... where she's shakin it and backing up AT THE SAME TIME?! Such power demands great responsibility.

She's the Spiderman of twerking. - Kieran

New Drag Name

Brandy: How come I have never heard anyone refer to Kate Hudson as Goldie Spawn?!

me: "Who're you?"
guy: "I'm Comrade Cid the Killer Rabbit."
me: "What do you do?"
guy: "I'm Comrade Cid the Killer Rabbit."


... This is my life

George practically creams himself when I say the words, "let's watch Star Trek". - Elizabeth

I Love Lucy

me: "Yeah, I'll watch it up until they have the baby, Ricky Junior. That's really where it jumped the shark."
Elizabeth: "Yeah, me too. I hate that. That's like some Scrappy Doo shit."

The bear seems to really love him, but who can know the mind of a bear? - Kieran

Taylor's musings on love and relationships

man

something about a man shaving for the first time in years fucks with your head

for like two days I would panic when I woke up next to him and sex felt like cheating.

Quote about me

You regard stupidity with a special kind of subtle disdain that I've always enjoyed.
- Vinny

Rawr

He is a tall drink of water... and I like a water back.

- Diana, on the topic of the Irish bartender

CitiBike, your mom

People complain the CitiBike is ugly but so is your mom and we all ride h nevermind I was going to say something mean and out of character
- Matthew Holtzclaw

Worst catcall experience of my life

Man walking in front of me briefly pauses to turn around, watching me.
As I pass him, he says "Saw your titties bouncing. Look good, real nice."
(I keep my pace, coming to grips with what just happened. REALLY? Ugh.)
I pass him, crossing the street as he positions himself to check out my behind.
"Ass is tight! Love to hit that. I'd run that shit ragged all night!"
me, finally certain that yes- this is happening: "man- SHUT THE FUCK UP!"
-"Pull the stick out yo'ass!" he replies.


5 minutes later, in the train station, I hear him talking to the women seated on benches behind me: "I need me some of that brown sugar!"

A Ana:  look erin

it's like Lady Gaga says

sometimes you're the Koons and other times the Koons is me

Kade Gibb

If I were the older of a set of twins, I'd call my sibling about 50 times a day an say "when I was your age" and then describe what I'd been doing for the last 6 minutes.

Ana's life advice

 Ana:  first thing you do:

get a face tattoo

that let's people know you're serious

second:

get one leg amputated

because no one messes around with a one legged person

"Your entitlement in gay spaces needs to be checked, Dan." - Maggie

"Oh yeah, build the walls of your ghetto higher."- Dan

"I want a goiter. I'munna get a big goiter friend and I'munna name him." - Kira

Someone mentions that on the show, we were always Vern.

Me: "No man is an island, and we are all Vern."
 - bartender at Beerhive: "you weirdo. no other woman in the world I would have sat next to would have just said that."

Steven: I worship the shit out of the female body.

Jesse: what's that like??

You in on the heist? We gotta figure out how to do this right, on the Trax. I'm thinking between 21st and 33rd is probably our best bet. -Kris

Did you know I own "bus stop whores dot com?" - Kira

 "Erin. I got you a present."

"Where did you get a speculum!?"

"I stole it."

The human body is a vile awful thing that you should only share with someone you love. - Matt Holtzclaw

Stop looking at me with that tone of voice! - Jeffrey

Tommy

guess what i had for the first time last week on my honeymoon

(dont say anal)

 me:  what

lol

 Tommy:  a mojito

Oh yeah, I'm sorry, I forgot to tell you. This little kid punched me in the vagina yesterday!
- Anna Cain, the crankiest of gingers.

Wait, she was in the Israeli army for two years!? That's a lot... I can't even keep a phone for two months.
- incredibly loud group of gay brunchers

Speechless.

"I'm different, yeah I'm different. Pull up on the scene with my pigment missin'!"
- Josh's rap

Two drunks on the train last night tried to engage me.

Guy 1: I'm depressed. 
me: Aren't we all, honey. 
Guy 2: You seem smart. Can I talk to you for a couple of stops? 
*I look up, and this is my stop.*
me: This is my stop, talk away.
Guy 1: Can I ask you one question? Does God love?
me: God is in all things- therefore, some things love. So, maybe.
both guys: Whoa.
The door shuts behind me.

End scene.

Mike Doughty

Though I realized you're on a headset phone, lady in Duane Reade, it really did look like you yelled NOOOOO! OOHHHH NOOOO! at toothbrushes.

Josh's ridiculousness

Josh: You heard of that? Gender- trippin'? Where you get all high on estrogen or testosterone...
Me: (without skipping a beat) That's not a thing.

"Talk wordy to me." - Josh, just now, on the topic of dissertations.

"Ask me about my whimsical hat and glasses!" - every other person at a gallery opening.
-Matthew Holtzclaw

"Who would you do for a Klondike bar?" Stacey: "James Taylor."

The Ultimate Riff

Crocs? I thought you said Grox.

Yeah. Crocs knockoffs, called Grox.

"Honey, have you seen my Grox?
You left'm at the bar.
Wull how'd I get home with no shoes on?
Virgil gave you a ride on 'is scooter."

-with Chris Larsen

That doesnt really do anything for me. Does it do something for you? Because that might do something for me. - Dave about his lady friend

Josh, to himself:

"Rhea Perlman... yeaaaaahhhh..."

Hahaha we all die alone - Anthony K

Let me tell you, Rochester is a juggling town. - Dave

Cousin Geoff's poetry

Golden sausages under my feet, there is a squishy sound like spoish spoish. 
Ketchup bottles guilty and treading silently in the night
A teacup glares back with the defiance of an angry forgotten race or crab people...in my pants
Feathers and syringes and condoms sail through the air like a tornado of tears and love songs.

 Groping Clinton clones meander across the ballroom 
Lukewarm potato wine and redneck pastries glow with prepubescent tastiness, like your face
I am like the grand piano that crashes down on many innocent children, maybe 5 or 6 
You may say I am a dreamer of butterflies and ponies and breakfast meats
But I am filled to the brim with breakfast meats...
Filled to the brim...

And I bedazzled the shit out of it! -Elyse

"You wack, ya family's wack, you don't know how to raise ya kids..."  - Woman having a seemingly serious conversation with another woman on the street, Flatbush.

Now I'm gonna sing you a song about the nature of time. - Someone who really should have stopped introducing their songs

Now I'm gonna sing you a song about the nature of time.

Denise Cartwright

My customer service representative at the NY Times just lowered my payments, upgraded my account, refunded money I had previously paid, and sang me the entire Simon and Garfunkel song "At the Zoo". So far so good, Sunday.

Alex Horwood

Breaking news!!! Yesterday i had my first kale chip! They do taste just like chips...if you've never had chips and they were described to you as broccoli trying too hard...

Ana: I prefer my women fat and trustworthy
I mean, if I were a dude
those skinny bitches ain't got nowhere to hide their secrets
fat girls have rolls

me: Wait. Doesn't that mean fat girls can be sneakier?

Ana: I don't make the rules here
I just play the game
also, I'm gonna cut an album called Fat Bitches Be Trustworthy

Josh: Tranny is the new black.

I will go Costco on yo ass!

Upon exiting my building, I'm instantly annoyed by the two men yelling about Jesus on the streetcorner. "Have you been saved? Do you believe in Jesus Christ?" a man demands of me. "NOOP!", I reply, avoiding eye contact. "Okay, well, you should know that for sure, because..." "YEP!"

Can I ask you what made you cut your hair? Me: Um, long hair just wasn't... Me. - it looks good, I was just wondering. That takes guts.

That cocker spaniel lived eleven years after it bit my nose off. - Eric Fisher

If only I could meet the sex addict, drug addict, exercise addict. - my dad

My parents

on Kristen, their friend who died last year: Mom: "Yeah, she could sing lower than the rest of us. And probably higher."

Dad: "In her day."

Mom: "NO, when she was nearly dead."

sarcasm

"1999 called, they want their oxygen bar back." my dad

Jesus, take the wheel

Josh: ...that time I passed out drunk with my car still running...
me: Jesus took the wheel!?
Josh: Yeah.
me: So Jesus knows how to drive, but he doesn't know how to park? Or he just left it running so you knew he'd been by your side all along?

Man with massive medallion in DC to Josh: Sir do you know Jesus? You don't look like you do!

Why he still out there holding ice to his face? Because I smashed him in it! I don't even know, I can't control myself anymore! Is the pizza place open? I gotta piss. Man, why is my night going like this? I shouldn't have drank so much Hennessy.
- woman at 11:30 on Tuesday night at the Kennedy Fried Chicken

I win.

Ana: Are you ready for what I'm about to say?
me: Uh, sure. Ready as I'll ever be.
Ana: JGL wins over James Franco. I give in. Franco is annoying the SHIT out of me recently... I was watching this documentary about this artist, totally amazing, right. AND FOR NO REASON JAMES FRANCO WAS IN IT
out loud, I said "GET OUT OF MY MOVIE, JAMES FRANCO!"

Amazing.

I think some men are intimidated by strong women, but I respect your collection of swords and your skeleton throne.
- Bastard Keith

Ryan Paul, evil genius

I keep seeing those Nick Cave ads on the subways

I want to creatively deface them to Say Nic Cage

and put nicholas cage faces on the llamas

Truly one of the sweetest things ever said to me!

Miaken Christensen

I know this is random, but you popped into my head today and I just wanted you to know how much I appreciate the fact that you are always so supportive of your friends and the projects they are working on.  I have really appreciated all the support and encouragement you have always offered! Thanks for being that for me and many others!

Bworst?

  I feel like we would make the best or the worst lesbian couple. I can't tell. - Ana

Oh, Dad.

Dad: "Better'n a poke in the eye with a sharp stick."
me: "Ah, ever the optimist."
Dad: "Although at just the right time a poke in the eye can be quite nice."


About the neighborhood ducks: "Seems that Ferdinand has bit it. There's a new guy on the scene. But Julie is around. Ferdinand was the banded duck that was with her, but he mighta bit it. There's some other lout about."

On coming back to town to visit: "Eh, when you live in New York, you don't come back to scumtown. Just remember, once you move back to shitbox here you'll be bored to tears."

Geoff Taylor

When I die, there will be a dirge of circus people playing the closing theme to SNL (a waltz in A), marching through the interstate highways with dancing strippers decorated as...harpies. Orphans dressed in ponchos coated with dioxin fling water balloons filled with vitriol, and there's a fire twirler.

Adam Hutton

I've decided my supervillian name is going to be "Sarcasmo" and I'm making a compound or device that alters the brain such that my victims won't be able to tell if someone is being serious or sardonic for several hours, and while the security guards are angrily re-assuring each other "no, I really mean it, I'm serious" I slip in and steal all the ...things. Jewels or something maybe? I don't know, I haven't really thought this out too far ahead.

Does anybody have a Lycra body suit or something I can have?

Me: that's a nice suit. BK: thanks! It's a blue surge... Me: Do they make it in men's? BK: you FUCK!

"Oh yeah, I forgot to text my mom congratulations for getting married yesterday."

That is a thing that was said.

Ann, hung over, puking at quarter to 4:
"The only cool thing about that was my tears made my eyelashes look like Twiggy."

That's a bad bitch, I think.

*sniff*

Ethan Killian

 you are a goddess and a teacher my beautiful and loved Erin . I can't wait to see you again!

Thanks?

If it helps, I have never thought of you as white, like, ever. Even though you're the palest girl I know. You're full on Columbian if you ask me.  - Ana

A kind drunk boy becomes enamored of my glasses and comes to find me after buying some chips, waiting for the F train. He holds out the open bag for me, and I politely decline. His friends come up behind him as I also politely decline to exchange contact information so he can take me to a "punk or metal show".

His friends: "Dude, are you offering chips to strangers!? We don't know this guy."
me: "He did, and it was very sweet of him."
friends: "and why didn't you get salt and vinegar!?"
him: "Because fuck you, that's why."

Poor Jordan.

Eh. I kept mis pronouning this transgendered girl I work with on accident. So they wrote me up for sexual harassment.

Literally every time I've done it has been a slip of the tongue. But that's life in the sex shop!

On oversharing

Discussing whether others think our lives are as worthy of storytelling as we think they are, or whether people are just bored to tears and waiting for you to get done talking about yourself:
Me: "People tend to encourage me to tell them stories, for some reason."
 "It's probably because you're smart and funny."
Me: "I'm certain that's it, but how do I know for sure!?"
 "You vain fuck."

I was in a rap group in high school; I played the fiddle on the track... One of the guys has a doctorate in rap from Oxford now. - red headed guy in skinny knit tie

Alex Horwood

The venn diagram of people who shop at whole foods and fans of Jason Mraz has got to be a fucking circle...

"I like an Adderall from time to time, like any good clubkid." - Tuesday, 3pm, girl sucking face with guy at bar right next to me while I'm trying to eat my veggie burger- Schiller's Liquor Bar

me: I don't even own a pantsuit. Because I look like Ellen in a pantsuit.
Ryan: Everyone looks like Ellen in a pantsuit. Even Eric would look like Ellen. She was actually summoned to this earth by burning a pile of pantsuits in a runic circle.

BastardKeith: We are governed by passions beyond comprehension, as marvelous & terrible as the sea. I really wish that fucking Mexican place was open.

Sad.

Josh's dad: "Yeah- we just got back from dinner."
Josh: "Oh yeah? Where'd you go?"
"Red Lobster."
Josh: "Oh, never heard of that. That local?"
Dad: "Ah, no, it's a national chain..."

Intelligence

Intelligence is not just knowing how many sides there are in a rhombus, or how long it would take Einstein to jack off into a Hot Pocket at 90 miles an hour...

- Josh

Why am I Dear Abby?

So, I have an ethical dilemma.
Certified rub n' tug in my neighborhood. $40 for a h/h. Should I?

me: So, where's the dilemma?

I guess I'm worried they'll be ugly.
  - Anonymous



Ethical dilemma= worrying about ugliness? I thought we were going to have a debate about the commodification of women's sexuality and the ethics thereof...

Priorities

Tommy: I think my job is going to make my luscious hair fall out

Or give me a tumor

Hair would be worse I think. Its so glorious

Rory Donahoe

I bought a bunch of burritos from an Indian market that were just kind of chilling in the open air by the register. Here's my review of those burritos as a food critic.

Burrito 1: The succulence of the dry chicken paired quite well with the filling which was either rice, or very thin, small beans. The texture changed of the tortilla kept my taste buds excited by switching from soggy and cold to burned and impregnable. It would pair nicely with a port. 21/2 stars.

Burrito 2: This burrito was quite spicy. It was the kind of spiciness that makes your eyes tear up, like when you're putting gas in your car. It was an odd color off burnt orange, and to liven things up I doused it in mint chutney, because fuck it, the chutney is free here. 1 star

Burrito 3: This one was just two mozzarella sticks stuck together. 5 stars

Thanks?

Daniel: I don't even know what you're doing here. You should be filming a documentary about the extinction of polar bears in the North Pole right now.

Adam Hutton's strange genius

I was thinking about The Lion King earlier today and it occurred to me that they don't really explain the differences in domestic policy between Mufasa and Scar, in fact the only difference I can remember is that Scar allowed hyenas into the prideland and then things went to shit. This is the message we want to send kids? That utopia is possible only if you imprison boogeymen races to their ghettos on the outskirts of society?

It doesn't make any sense for the introduction of a few hundred hyenas to disrupt the entire savannah ecosystem, it's much more likely that they were a scapegoat when the reality is that those prey animals were almost certainly prisoners themselves, unless you actually believe the Mufasa regime propaganda about subjects to the throne hanging around to be killed and eaten because they respect the "circle of life" so much.

Yes we can blame Scar for the pride land ecosystem/economy fluctuation after the emancipation of TWO suppressed underclasses; the prey hostages on death row as well as the Hyenas Mufasa was trying to starve inside their shadowy concentration camp. We could also blame Lincoln for starting the horrible civil war.

The way I see it, Scar is guilty only of deposing a bloodthirsty tyrant and finally officially recognizing the personhood and civil rights of every non-lion species in the plains.

Thank you.



later on...

...AND THEN! AND THEN! A good quarter of the movie is devoted to the mission of a member of the former aristocracy, graciously and foolishly spared from exile or the animal equivalent of the guillotine, sent out into the wilderness to track down and seduce the deposed spoiled brat prince (who never worked a day in his life) to CONVINCE him to come back and lead a conspiracy to oust the new, democratically supported people's government and return the old money back to power. He doesn't even want to. Even the new king was a puppet to the former power structures.

Really the movie is a lesson about why it was necessary for ...I dunno, the french revolution, to be as bloody as it was. Within a generation or two the pridelands could have been a perfect egalitarian society had it not been for the naive, benevolent restraint of Scar.

Biggest compliment ever

You know exactly who you are, and exactly what you want. Don't lie to me.
- Aylon

I am, aren't I?

Me to Kevin A: I got the inside scoop.

Kevin: You are the inside scoop.

Do you ever feel fulfilled? - Jasmine

Ann, watching crazy street drama from the window: "I don't know why, but this made me hungry."

Ryan: "Eric, are you watching porn? You are ruining my tea party!"

Tay, part 2: It made me laugh so hard I started tearing up, and when he asked why I was crying, I said 'I just miss him so much'

David just turned to me and asked "do you ever find yourself missing Gary Coleman?"

Josh- How long were you masturbating in the shower, Jed? Jed- A long time! I didn't finish because you interrupted me. Josh- Yeah. Because you were taking a long time. Jed- I didn't hear a knock, just a voice really close to me saying "Jed". Josh- Yeah. Well, I'm not judging. But try not to waste water.

So. Is shouting "JOSEPH SMITH ON A SPHINX" the same as shouting "JESUS CHRIST ON A CROSS!"...? Also I miss Gilgal. - Brandy

I've had the craziest dreams lately. Louis CK and I were lying in bed and he was making me rub his belly. WTF. - Brandy