Britt brings her macaroni and cheese to the party.
Symmer: Brittney is a great cook. Tastes almost as good as her vagina tastes.
Jasmine: But is it as cheesy though?

Kira: you ever had Dad serve you a bowl of sand? I have... I thought it was kosher salt.

I'm in the wrong profession!

to me: "You should be an entertainer... slash clown."
-Ana Breton

Tommy: Dear Erin,
How do i stop my farts from smelling like egg nog even when I never drank egg nog?
sincerely,
Man with egg nog farts

My dad's thoughts on Black Swan: "Black Swan and Showgirls: both make you hate the dance world. Showgirls just has the added bonus of gratuitous nudity."
my mom, same subject: "Dumb show, done brilliantly."

Dad's Christmas poem:

Rhyming is a hassle
it makes you use a word like castle
what the hey, you want to say
it comes out a funny way
that archaic rhyming bullshit is for assholes.

Something just gave me a boner... -davey

he's the only 67 year old with a photography studio, and parkinson's, and an AK, that I know. - Scott

Rachel's claws come out

Teenage hoodlums (whom we KNOW have been pocketing things) in Sephora are shocked that we're closed, at 10pm (later than usual, for holidays). Girl, to Rachel: You mean like in 5 minutes?
R: No, like we've been closed for 15 minutes.
Are you serious?
R: Serious as a heart attack.

This is really only funny if you know Rachel. She's the model customer service girl!

Alex, the film student...

"Couldn't watch a film with no balls in it. Keep me interested for a second; show me some scrote."- Alex Horwood

"Wait- Black Swan is a wildlife documentary, right?"- Ana

HamCam

"There's not enough cam in this ham..." -Sarlo

Really odd TMNT reference

The Splinternet... take that, Shredder! -Josh

Horrifying imagery

Teri (middle- aged coworker at Sephora): Man, that salad went right through me! Ten minutes later and I'm peeing out my butt!

Josh and I are talking about how I never hear the alarm in the morning.
Me: "I could sleep through it for hours!"
Josh: "That's what she said."

"Ladies! I'm horribly attracted to both of you."
Ryan (Caroline's husband), holding up both hands in drunken peace signs, as Emily and I leave.

Sarlo: "This dub is a little toooo step..."

Qualified

me: Why are you helping move a couch?
JSarlo: Because I have two college degrees...

Like it or not, we're family. And family has awkward dinners together.
Me to Erin, on work dinner

Easy Listening station

"this listening is a little tooooo easy..."
-Sarlo

i have this theory that Dexter is a pretty mediocre show and it only gets as much attention as it does because most other things out these days are complete shit so dexter looks like a shiny diamond in comparison
but i'd have to watch more tv to really back that up
and i'm just not willing to do that
-Aaron, the television critic

8am, Josh H. in eastern european accent: i don't want a scrub, scrub is guy that cannot get my love. (vaguely reminiscent of TLC No Scrubs)

Tommy, on LDS Doctrine

Tommy: god creates problems and challenges, and then wants us to pray to him
to solve his problems, that he created for us.
Which is almost the same as giving someone a noogie and telling them to name 10 candy bars.

at brunch: I ask if I can have half of one kind of french toast, half another. the waitress says yes. Josh: "nothin' like a half and half to honor the sabbath."