At the grocery store with Josh, we pass some snack nuts.
Josh: "Nuts... heh."
me: "Deez nuts."
Josh: "You're the best wife."
me: "I am, aren't I..."

"The frog asked for it" -my mother, on the horrible "chimp rapes frog" youtube video.

"What's the least heard phrase in Switzerland? "They're the black guy's skis." - My dad, ever politically correct.

Manju (singing in Indian goat voice): If I had a rich man... yeidle deidle deidle dum...

lul

Chantelle: "I like your lips!" me: "Oh, thanks!"
Chantelle: "... I mean, not in a kinky way but they're pretty."

Patrick describes the rules to Edward 40 Hands. Stacy: who came up with these stupid rules? Patrick: Edward 40 Hands!

just because vaseline rhymes with gasoline, doesn't mean you can masturbate with gas or pump your car full... that was a rough night. -Jed

Adam Hutton's Ranty Birthday Party Invitation

I don't normally post anything this long, but this is pure gold and must be documented. This is Adam Hutton's facebook birthday invite:

"Spaghetti banquet/ipecac vomit contest and ancillary birthday party
I've been talking about doing this for years and now it's finally going to happen. At 9pm we'll begin serving a vast smorgasbord of delicious spaghetti and then soon thereafter each of the contest participants will take a spoonful of ipecac in an attempt to synchronize our projectile vomiting. A relief area with tarps and garbage cans will be provided for the heroes who participate. Showers will be provided for victims of poor aim and splashback.

How will this contest be judged? Much like preschool; everyone who tries will get a hug, a prize*, and declared winner.

*commemorative poncho

Gross? Absolutely. Painful? Very likely. A story you'll be telling for the rest of your life? You know it!

Cowards and lookie-loos who don't want to join in the fun can... I don't know; just get drunk and play ping pong or something. I guess. Pansies. BYOB/D because after buying the ponchos, tarps, and garbage cans that will likely be unusable and considered disposable after this event I will be a poor person."

hey, you guys wanna see a bunch of dogs that look stoned? - kari, no prompting, at dinner

ow, that burns. like montgomery. -josh

Tommy: so I am not going to tell Sunny,
but I'm going to wear my cowboy hat the whole time I'm in San Antonio.

Mark: Charles Krauthammer and Perez Hilton both said Palin sucked. They have never agreed on anything else... but do you know who Krauthammer is, that weird conservo who looks like he just got a prune stuck up his ass."

I googled it. It's true. I'm still amazed my dad knows (or cares) who Perez Hilton is.

My dad...

Mark: what's harder to find than a BYU blues band?
a BYU virgin. or a skinny byu coed.

Mark: palin used the term "blood libel" that should be reserved for jews only. by the way, i'm putting together a jewish bluegrass band called Jewgrass.

me: as long as there's a klezmer involved...

I have gravy in my hair... - Christy

what an even ink trail this pen leaves. whew. fine pen. -eric fisher