Alex Horwood

The soundtrack to white guilt is every Belle & Sebastian song...

Using a cartoon as your Facebook picture let's people know you're A) super fun & B) horribly disfigured...

If you have to open your car door at any point during a drive thru transaction...that's evolution letting you know we're all through here...

Any film based on my life would be at least 15% scenes of me thinking I have to sneeze...and then not sneezing...

Relationships are hard work. Drinking is a reward for your hard work... BOOM! I just fixed America!

Taking jeans out of the dryer...now that's a hot button issue! Am I muthafuckin' right you pieces of shit?!!

I wish people's kids would learn how to cry on the inside like everyone else...

If this post on WebMD is correct, I died like ten years ago...

based on the posters, "ides of march" Is a movie about Ryan gosling and George clooney combining their faces and becoming Tilda Swinton...

And one day the world will look up and cry "Save us!"...and Zack Morris will look down from his booth at The Max and whisper: "No."...

If singing along to a song in your car looked as cool as it felt, no one would ever not get laid...

Isn't it about time grape skittles up and fucked off?!...

Hey guy with facial hair and your hat on backwards...you're exhausting everyone...

Hector: Did you see El Cantante, with J Lo and Mark?
Kim P: No. Why would I see that?

I'm hearin' your bark, big dog. - Joshua

If you watch Godzilla backwards its about a dinosaur who passionately pieces a city back together before moonwalking into the sea. - Kade Gibb

Real Talk with Brandy

Brandy: haha. tell me the story. brb i have to poo

Tommy: You seem gayer than you actually are. Don't take that the wrong way

What kinda evil emperor does dance numbers? - Virginia's boyfriend, on Labyrinth

Is this a vagina bookend? - girl at house party

I put mah pants on one leg at a time... like I drink my beer. One leg at a time. Y'know, if the good lord hadn't wanted me to drink it he wouldn't have made it flow so smoothly... down my pant leg.
-Erik Madsen

"Yo husband gon get it." (translation: I wanna do your husband) - Spanky

Oh Sandra Oh, that's what it is. I thought it was like Jenny O but then I realized that's a turkey.

This one time when I was freelancing, I jacked off during a conference call... - Yana

"So late tonight, when you're asleep, I'll shit into your purse..."
- Dad, singing me the country song he wrote in his sleep. He apparently woke himself up, laughing at his own joke.

Why it smells like fiiiish!?- Hector

Is that a whole bucketa pasta you eatin'?- Erica Emily- Sho nuff is!

Park Slope, I smoked a lotta dope, to try to reach the hope...

Bob Dylan creature! - drunk man at Thai restaurant