Josh's work song

Motherfucker workin' up on New Year's Eve... makin' so much money that you won't believe! Workin' at Whole Foods...

Norm: what's gross?
Yisell: your vinegary balls.

Mommy. Mommy. Mommy! Some people is black. And some people is brown. And some peoplr (looks at me) *whispers inaudibly*

Sheeldrun! You are too happey!- haitian man talking to spazzy sons

I hope that's honey mustard. -Manny

Fran (in Chile)

Fran: "Y tu baby cuando?"
me: in like 5 years!
Fran: "You must be mom now!"

I just choked on a piece of glitter. -Josh

Turnabout

I tell Harmony she should move here. She deftly maneuvers the specific location, but tells me she plans to move out of state.
‎"OH I KNOW YOU MEAN SILVERLAKE, YOU HIPSTER WHORE."

... My eyebrows are sweating. -Yisell

i dunno what to pack besides heat!
and fudge.

- Tommy, heading to Hawaii

Emily: "Oh nooooooooo!
This is terrible news!"

me: "What!"

Emily: "They're closing down the Jaws ride, forever! It was so scary!"

Stuffmyhusbanddoes

Archived older Josh posts:

Easily amused
"Teeheehee", Josh giggles from the living room.
"What's so funny?", I ask.
"I'm putting my glasses on the cat."


Bird Whisperer
Josh is reading a book, I'm internetting, and birds outside are chirping very loudly.

birds: CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP
Josh: "Are those actual birds?"
birds: CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP
me: "Yes. They're very loud."
Josh: *gets up, walks over to the window, sticks his face out* "BAAAAAAAGH. BA! BAAAGH. BAAAAAGGGHGHHGHGH. "
birds: CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP

I'm cackling at this point.
J: "It was worth a shot." *goes back to book*

"This is not ironic. This is serious." - Josh, on his moustache.

"Got to get you into my wife!"- Josh uh....

Somebody needs to tell those cinnamon scented pine cones to calm the fuck down!- Alex Horwood

I do not like four loko! It is a racist drink! - Carlos

I can smell douchebaggery like a dog smells... Other dog's butts. -Emily

You are a terrible. Person. - Emily, to me

Lesser known fact

Vinny: As someone who has broken somewhere between 8 and 10 bones in his lifetime, I'm gonna tell you guys something really weird. Did you know that you can smell it when you've broken a bone? True story, if you have broken enough bones to learn to recognize it, you can tell instantly just by the smell.

Geoff, again

Vegetables are for Lesbian Chimpanzees, If it wasn't for meat-sauce the world would be like Children of Men

My cousin, the great Geoff Taylor

Looks like we're stuck with Eurozone crises and Global Financial Fail again...Oh wait, not me, I get free knowledge and food and housing and Government monies. Perfect timing, see you honkies later when you're the garbage people in a Billy Idol Music video. My facebook is going dormant... Because the near future cyberpunk dystopia involves Billy Idol-esque settings and all civilian peoples are either garbage peoples or top-of-sky-scraper-transformer-grabber-peoples

If Smart Water is so fucking smart, how come it's not tacos?
- Alex Horwood

Move back to Salt Lake so we can drink mojitos and watch docs about birds? - Ana

I got 99 problems but jizz on my pants ain't one. -Emily
Toto, I don't think we're at Benny Burrito's anymore. -Emily

Girls are ugly. I feel bad for guys. This is why I don't get laid... -Emily

There is no room for weird dicks in my life right now. -Emily

I mean, he compared Obama to Hitler. - Of course! He did kill millions of jews...

Alex Horwood

The soundtrack to white guilt is every Belle & Sebastian song...

Using a cartoon as your Facebook picture let's people know you're A) super fun & B) horribly disfigured...

If you have to open your car door at any point during a drive thru transaction...that's evolution letting you know we're all through here...

Any film based on my life would be at least 15% scenes of me thinking I have to sneeze...and then not sneezing...

Relationships are hard work. Drinking is a reward for your hard work... BOOM! I just fixed America!

Taking jeans out of the dryer...now that's a hot button issue! Am I muthafuckin' right you pieces of shit?!!

I wish people's kids would learn how to cry on the inside like everyone else...

If this post on WebMD is correct, I died like ten years ago...

based on the posters, "ides of march" Is a movie about Ryan gosling and George clooney combining their faces and becoming Tilda Swinton...

And one day the world will look up and cry "Save us!"...and Zack Morris will look down from his booth at The Max and whisper: "No."...

If singing along to a song in your car looked as cool as it felt, no one would ever not get laid...

Isn't it about time grape skittles up and fucked off?!...

Hey guy with facial hair and your hat on backwards...you're exhausting everyone...

Hector: Did you see El Cantante, with J Lo and Mark?
Kim P: No. Why would I see that?

I'm hearin' your bark, big dog. - Joshua

If you watch Godzilla backwards its about a dinosaur who passionately pieces a city back together before moonwalking into the sea. - Kade Gibb

Real Talk with Brandy

Brandy: haha. tell me the story. brb i have to poo

Tommy: You seem gayer than you actually are. Don't take that the wrong way

What kinda evil emperor does dance numbers? - Virginia's boyfriend, on Labyrinth

Is this a vagina bookend? - girl at house party

I put mah pants on one leg at a time... like I drink my beer. One leg at a time. Y'know, if the good lord hadn't wanted me to drink it he wouldn't have made it flow so smoothly... down my pant leg.
-Erik Madsen

"Yo husband gon get it." (translation: I wanna do your husband) - Spanky

Oh Sandra Oh, that's what it is. I thought it was like Jenny O but then I realized that's a turkey.

This one time when I was freelancing, I jacked off during a conference call... - Yana

"So late tonight, when you're asleep, I'll shit into your purse..."
- Dad, singing me the country song he wrote in his sleep. He apparently woke himself up, laughing at his own joke.

Why it smells like fiiiish!?- Hector

Is that a whole bucketa pasta you eatin'?- Erica Emily- Sho nuff is!

Park Slope, I smoked a lotta dope, to try to reach the hope...

Bob Dylan creature! - drunk man at Thai restaurant

How many snapples do you guys drink!?- Melissa

Beautyfool leeps, mi amor. - man walking up steps to train

Your makeup looks real pretty! - woman in construction vest on her phone, holding a SLOW sign

Angelo: You could pass for French. Jam: I could pass for a great many things; only thing I can't pass for is sane.

Voyeurism, exhibitionism, I love all the isms! I'm a ism-ist. Jam

If god wanted us all to look the same, he wouldn't have invented foundation. -Jam

Rob- "Did I tell you I collided with a girl on the street while we were both texting? All she said was "Dude!" "
Eric- "Was she portly?"

I won't eat pecan pie because you'll never know there's actually a cockroach in there. , Monica

"Google dat bitch!" - girl on her bluetooth on 14 st and 1st ave

Confession

I must admit, I have two motives for taking the ten minute bus ride to work instead of the ten (sometimes longer) train ride. Motive number one is obviously that it's shorter, even if sometimes it's unpredictable. Motive two: It's so that I can record the crazy shit I hear instantly, via text. Expect some crazy Big Apple goodness.

Josh's latest song- joke

What was it they used to say in those Humphrey Bogart films? "Go fuck yerself, shove a book up your dick!"

When the babysitter becomes the babysat... Who babysits the babysitter? - James Cunningjam, esquire

"I need to get hydrated. With vagina. So I can procure my weekend. Which is over. I got school tomorrow!" - young man walking with friends, Prospect Heights

Come, friend! I shall teach thou how to douglas. - Aaron

My belly button hurts! How weird! -kim

But to quote Nietzche, life like totally bums me out like all the time. - the one and only Adam Little

"What's that weightless yoga called? Where they use the silk swings?" Random guy at bar: "That's called smoking dope."

Kris on abbreviated words: "like grats? Which is short for congrats? Which is already short for congratulations? So lazy!"

New York

Kris: "That town is gonna chew you up and shit you out, Erin."

David: what is this Burning Man type shit?

Congratulations to The Decemberists, whose new Infinite Jest-inspired video has unseated Kenneth Branagh's Hamlet as The Whitest Thing Ever.
- Alex Horwood does it again

Gyno

Kris is discovering the profitable world of gynecology, and decides to offer a more affordable alternative on his own:

me: "You should probably call it "gyne- tology", just so there's no confusion for actual medical work."

Kris: "More like gyne- lology."

We're all going to die, Erin. Chernobyl or no. - Robbie

What would you do with a million dollars? I'd make a sandwich! Out of hookers and cocaine. - Eric and Robbie

"I'm Erin Chaney. I have a happy go lucky and devil-may-care attitude." -Eric, making fun of me?

I feel like a king with a scepter. Send in the virgins to wax my loins... -Eric F

Josh I like you just the way you are. But I made a list of things you might want to modify... - Jed

I was the peepinest Tom of all. I was such a peepin tom they called me Peeping Tom. - Kris

When Noah's Ark dropped the Germans off at Ellis Island... - Kira

Neil and I have decided we need a pocket Eric. Eric: I'll work on that. In the meantime I've been bottling my spit if that's helpful.

"Ugly girls want to be told they're pretty; pretty girls want to be told they're smart." - Belle

Ryan: wasnt Beauty and the Beast basically about Stockholm Syndrome? Josh sings: Tale as old as time...

Dad, on the phone: Yeah, I'm wondering if you can help me, I'm lookin' for sort of a peculiar type'a hat... oh, you do? I'm looking for like a civil war hat. (Apparently the woman told him she did not carry men's hats, only women's.)
Dad: "MANHATER!... I'm just kiddin'."

Dad: ya hear about the Amish prostitute? She had ten mennonite and they drove her buggy.

Closest I ever got was I watched the movie, Precious, once. - Zach on soul food

This is where I cruise for men. -zach, on the roof

Jed sings: the bombs bursting in air... Charmon: why would you shoot a bomb right into the air? Jist to scare people?

Coffee gal: how's that sugar free treating yer cancer? Harmony: I'm gonna fit in my coffin!

...

Dad, to nobody in particular in the room: "Who has the best Nazi porn?"
Josh, without blinking an eye: "Ann Coulter."

"Where did my cookie go!? You guys, I lost my cookie!

OH, found it!"

- Manju, to a very quiet office

Ana: "I bet Native Americans hate making reservations..."

The bad driver in front of us

Josh: "And he has a half marathon sticker on his car, so he can't even finish things!"

The incomparable Alex Horwood

‎...If only there was a way for me to see 90's actors making strange faces AND computer generated penguin shenanigans... -

Adam Hutton: I mean, does anybody lose if someone gets a vasectomy in exchange for Kid Rock tickets?

Sometimes you get the feeling that a majority of the MMA target audience is also in favor of Segregated Everything Else... -Alex Horwood

"I'm gonna go see a man about... some... marble? Isn't that crack cocaine? I obviously don't know anything about drugs."
- Ana

Ana and JSar pitch a tv show:
Cross between Deal or No Deal and 16 and Pregnant- suitcases full of babies. Couldn't get Howie Mandel; got Barry Manilow, though!

Say no more, and say it right now... -dad, singing

I don't know how I do it, I just keep playing the game and winning. -Nick P's Words With Friends secret

Tommy: Just sitting at a mental illness center
Staring at a poster of inspirational people who had mental illness
One of whom is Kurt Cobain
Found that weird sorta
The other is Carrie Fisher
Aka princess leia
And then Abraham Lincoln next to her
Interesting choices
Abe Lincoln freed the slaves and Carrie Fisher wore a metal bikini and was a sex slave to a giant monster
I can see the correlation

I like my men like I like my coffee. A day old.
- Ana

Tommy: Chinderella you need to go home before you turn into a pumpkin
You are chinderelly
and I am your Gus Gus
So act appropriately

Ah, youth...

‎"Aww... life hasn't broken you down yet. Cute."
-Me, telling Steve what to say to people who are too cocky

Tommy: chaney, can i ask your advice on a very important issue?
me: sure
does it have to do with egg farts?
Tommy: not this time
what brand/type of coffee should I go buy? I have been drinking Folgers for two weeks

me: "I like kissing you."
Josh: "Know what I like? Sinking baskets. Nonstop..." *throws wadded- up McDonald's bag backward, missing trashcan.

Love Blossoms 2- the sequel

and then he said stuff that made my heart pound and then i farted.
NOT REALLY
i didn't fart.
-Brandy

..How is there not an all-midget rap group named Shrink Rap? It's embarrassing, music industry! Embarrassing... - Alex Horwood

I still want a taco...
- Scott

Tommy: here's one that's a real rib-tickler
hey there chinny, did you hear about the cow that got swept away in that recent tornado?
Well apparently, it was an udder disaster!

Tommy: hey chinny, did you hear what the mexican meteorologist predicted?
chili today, hot tamale!

Tommy: id like to do something that in some way is anti you
something that will allow me to cut you down at the knees
but unfortunately there's no company that can put poop in sephora's makeup or take lolcats off the internet

Where my grillz at!? - Tima

"That guy has, like, a great mind." -Neil, on the topic of Eric Fisher

England trip throwback COD

Ana, sleepily singing: "Why are there so many- songs about Erin?"
me: "Because she's real-ly a man..."

GAhaha.

me: Not sure if I'm going to Egypt or not.
Tommy: you look very jewy
prob not a good idea
me: like YOU can talk, jewy mcgreek
Tommy: i staying here bitch!
working on my dougie
me: lol
Tommy: i suggest you do the same
that way even if you do get sent out
and they think you are a jew
you can start your dougie
and then they'll know you are not one
jews cant dougie.....fact


10 minutes later: Ana: "You do look kind of jewy."

Absolutely no preface...

Does anybody have an LDS copy of the King James Bible?
- Zach, at the office. Actually not all that strange, as far as questions around here go

Love Blossoms

Brandy: but he said he's gonna try to burn me the first season of big love. and i told him to watch weird science. and then he said we'll get together afterwards to talk about bill paxton's realm of work.

Tommy, bored at the doctor's office

Tommy: There should be a movie about a deviant who goes from hospital to hospital to get his bum diddled
Starring Tom Hanks
And then one day a doctors finger gets stuck
And its like sword in the stone
Only one worthy nurse can pull it out
And then he gets to be king
me: LOL. oh my god, Tommy. are you trying to get into the quoteblog?
Tommy: No I'm trying to pitch you a brilliant idea. I think the nurse should be David Archuletta.
And the doctor will be Robin Williams. Because we all know he plays a great doctor and has massive sausage fingers
find me a producer

Hookup Etiquette

"she was like, 'show me what Ayisha taught you'. What the fuck, don't talk about some other chick I was with while we're fucking...." -overheard at Squatter's

Who would want to have sex with a virgin? Sick! -Angie

Tommy: probably time for me to hang up my hat in the film world, and work on my second dream
substitute teaching

I did my mission on Gilligan's Island. First I went after Mary Lou, then Ginger, then Mrs. Howell, after that I lost my testimony. - My Dad

hey I wrote you a haiku
Hey little hipster/
accidentally ate meat/
organic tote bag

- Ana's haiku

Naming her blog

Brandy: "Should I call it... "What About Blog"? Diss. Of course that's already taken."

My Indian name is Bitchy-Face Fancy Mocassins. Now with 30% more beading! - Coby (an actual Native American)

Magic!

Acai berries are considered a "superfood" because as soon as you start talking about how great they are, you turn into a dickweed.- Alex Horwood

Ana on the new Dr. Dre video

They need a doctor, to figure out what happened to Eminem's face!
-Ana Breton

Tommy has no job.

Tommy: I can probably help a little on Monday but I ain't doing shit on the weekends!
me: haha ok
understandable.
i know you work very hard, tommy. you deserve a break.
... still writin' that novel?
still uh... still uh...
workin on the characters? enriching 'em?
givin em depth? yeah.
yeah, you need a break.
--Tommy is offline and can't receive messages right now.

In high school, the green m&ms meant you were horny... so. Maybe he (Marcus) left it on your desk to remind you to be more nurturing and loving to your husband.
-The wise and wonderful Erin Fox

Did you know that every time an American takes a drink on Cinco De Mayo, a Mexican takes their job?- Josh Sarlo

Chad: Ana, when you talk about me... can you use the words, "super badass"?

Inappropriate!

As JS and I walk into the coffee shop, I'm finishing up a highly inappropriate story about an ex.
He gives me the body language to hush up as we walk up to the cash register to order. He asks how it's going.
Barista girl: Goood, I'm about to get off!
me: Oooh, exciting!
JS: I think we're all a little excited right now.

Fish

Eric: the stigma on clown fish was lost with nemo. FACT.
me: there was a stigma? was nemo the Kunta Kinte of our generation?
EF: yeah. well, until they come out with the gay Roots.
me: wasn't that Angels in America? sure was as long as Roots.
EF: maybe Milk? i think when they start showing elementary school kids Milk, then we can call it gay Roots. until then, i think the metaphor falls short.

Erin, I'm really insulted by your profound truths. - Adam

Brandy: The world is your cloister! I don't even know what a cloister is.

Tommy: and another lovely bedtime story from L-Ron Chaney

Mulatto sounds like the new Starbucks drink.
-AB

Chaney, you got some uh, dust on your hair from being on your knees... just sayin.
Jalba

Zinger, rest in peace.
-Joel, upon finishing the package

Ana on Zingers

You know Zingers are my Kryptonite, right? I've been clean three years.

Ana, on New York

Let's live like Friends. Like the TV show, Friends.

Taylor: Reclaiming is where it's at in the English language.

I know penis like the back of my... penis. Efish

"Those polygamists make some pretty good cheese..."
- Chad Peters

(Fleetwood Mac)

"you can To-bler-one way! ...To-bler-one way..." - JSar

Tommy: Sunny's frog died yesterday. I made her listen to Miley Cyrus' song, The Climb, while she buried it.

I wrote a rap about how good I am at foosball. -eric fisher

Fox: Chocolate, anyone?... got any?

Josh Sarlo: I had a dream last night that I was in a play that Tina Fey wrote and was directing, and she was really mean. I was sad because she was a bitch, but I was like maybe that's how she gets things done, everyone thinks she's really nice and funny but she's a bitch. I just remember being sad because Tina Fey yelled at me.

JSar wins again

(tune of Sarah McLachlan's I Will Remember You): "I will re- render yoooou..."
(little editing joke there, folks.)

We're Canadian, guys, if anyone asks. -Heather

jonny: note to self: best band name ever? the dickfisters. talk to you later, buddy. (to his phone)

An Accurate Assessment

So. When you're still eating you're planning your next meal, and when you're on vacation you're planning your next trip... - Josh

"I think Zoey's attracted to me... she keeps licking my face."
- Scott's nephew

"When in doubt, juice it out. That's what I always say."
-JSar

Deena Marie Manzanares
"Two days in a row, I've seen someone that looked like a nintendo character."

"Everyone was raped when they were kids, Erin! Let's not get into that." - Ana

JSar: They have so much time on their hands! (Ana: 'who, the LDS office we share work with?') JSar: Yeah, well, just in general people who don't drink have so much more time to be creative!

"What is this 4- wheeled bike!?" - JSar, upon entering Ana's vehicle

MAKING YOUR OWN PERFUME? I THINK THERE IS SOMETHING VERY HIPSTER ABOUT THAT. I CANNOT CONTROL THE VOLUME OF MY VOICE RIGHT NOW.
- Ana

Alex, as usual

‎"Guys, let's make an oath that in 8 years, we'll all be super shitty."- M. Night Shyamalan to Mel Gibson & Joaquin Phoenix on set of "Signs"...

Joel, leaving

"off like a prom dress!"- Joel

JSar on cleavage

"... I know you're supposed to look away, like during the conversation, but you miss out on so much that way! " - JSar

Josh Henderson on music

In response to the song, We No Speak Americano by Yolanda Be Cool: "This is what raving would be like in Star Wars!"

sorry, it's the canadian in me. I can smell the chlorine in a hockey rink 5 miles from here. -Cam

NINJA FOR HIRE! Wouldn't that be so cool!?
-Manju

Scott's birthday cake is cookies and cream, looks *only very slightly* like granite or something.

Scott: "As a geologist, it's like this cake is centuries old. All the layers..."


later, Manju is confounded that she doesn't know how old Scott is.
JSar: "Why don't you just count the rings?"

Deena Marie's award- winning ideas

I want to open up a club called Wank. Wank will have everything, elves on opiods, celebrity babies in high heels, and a "Full House" look a like contest. At the door you'll be greeted by Frickles. Frickles is that thing of when Fergie and Don Rickles have the same face, and you can't really tell who is who

JSar takes a call from his mom: "MMkay, so when I said you could call me at work...?"

on a cellular level, i'm reallly busy right now. - Jenn McGrew

Mike Stone needs to make a guide to Mike Stone-ing.
Jsar

Tommy: Me transcribing is like making a soldier with ptsd play paintball.

I was strictly El Pollo Loco, 'til KFC started doin' grilled.
-Isaac

Tommy: Start a new trendy hotspot, which I will frequent. Your signature dish will be Eggzra Taft Benedict. Delicious!

Is that a fanny pack? I haven't seen a caucasian with a fanny pack in years!
- Natasha

JSar, worried about not having heard from me, on the phone:
"Blink twice if you're okay!"

Good ole Mayor Marblemouth!
-Efish

"I'mean, why do you think they call it Casual Blackface Friday?"
- JSar

Tommy on his brother in law (recently returned from Afghanistan): "Just hope he doesn't go all ptsd on goofy
That hat looks a little turbany
We are definitely steering clear of Aladdin"

If you're not starting your Monday off with poop jokes, you're doing it wrong.
- Ana

Gleek

Chad on Glee: "The Britney Spears episode will touch your heart."

Tommy sees me in my little 20's bell hat: "Look at you in yer easter bonnet. With all the frills upon it."

Deena Marie's one- liner film review

Let's just say that aside from a couple of awesome numbers, it was like my butt wrote the script for "Burlesque". - Deena

The opposite of Mike Stone-ing is Charlie Sheen-ing.-
JSar, quote king of the day

Ana: I stole nails from Kirby.
Jsar: That's like stealing diamonds from a troll!

I must have funny friends

for me to be constantly quoting them from Facebook posts:

Office got evacuated today to a gas leak. Was exciting at first but I got bored quickly and was soon admonished for posing for pics (forthcoming) next to the fire truck. I saw some people going in early and figured it was cool to go back to work but a fireman kicked me out. I told him I'm in IT and we go down with the ship, but he wasn't having any of that. Also according to Klingon mythology if you die at your post you automatically get into So vo kor when you die, so those fascist first responder thugs denied me my glorious martyrdom and warrior's afterlife. - Adam Hutton

Great. Beckham got a tattoo of Jesus on his pec.
-Chad

Jsar: ass accentuator- on.

JSar: I know, I knew when I was younger I was short so I was like, "I have to be funny."
Ana: So what happened to that?

"Hey Haley, d' you guys want smore Pabst?" - bartender using intercom at Brewvies

There is not one guy that hasn't peed on a tree.
- Ana

The Magenta Placenta

I'm going to write a children's book called The Magenta Placenta. It shows how different cultures do different stuff with placentas, like some people bury it, some people eat it, some people try to put it in a stew but he keeps running away.

Tommy Johnson

Ana, about to play pool: "Am I stars, or stripes?... I got this. I got this."

FACT: Hookers are cheaper in Mesquite.
-JSAR

Scott: "I married you so you would QUIT calling me!"

"she wanted a snowglobe and she wandered into a bong shop..." Chad on Katie

Josh H.: "You know that Nicki Minaj's real name is Gerald?"

Manju, on dogs: Did you know that their taste buds are in their tummy and not on their tongues?
Josh Sarlo: Did you know that sounds like total bullshit?

from the brilliant mind of Eric Fisher

Sloan and Mubarak step down at almost the same time...coincidence? Say... You never see those two at the same party at the same time..suspicious.

Manju on Sarlo: He doesn't have manboobs.
He just LOOKS like he has manboobs!

Josh, singing: fuggin meh softly, with his schlong...

Tyra Banks show

Ok. There I am, googling "flattering dress sizes for curvy figures" or something along those lines, just learning about silhouettes. I don't know... don't judge me!
I come across a page from the Tyra Banks talk show about it, and I check it out just to see if it has any interesting photos of what I'm after. Then I see the comments. People are SO CRAZY! I can't even... wow. Anyway, here we have a teenager, a nut talking about relativity, and an obsessed psycho fan whose name is Rocklette (isn't raclette a cheese?):

Leno is a talentless boob: "Oh really? Yeah... (fake laugh)" fuck him in his fucking chin.

Tommy

Kira: "Sorry, something naked was happening."

I'm ranting, as usual... "land you in a motor home..."
Ana: "Did you just say 'boner home'? Because I wanna go there."
me: "No, but I like that you just misheard it that way..."

Alex Horwood: "I know a place where we can make love on a pile of Alan Thicke's old sweaters..."

There should really be a separate blog for just Alex. Why doesn't he have one? Why do I get to do all the work!?

"Hard to believe a dude could be THAT fucking non-chalant about Jimmy cracking corn." - Alex Horwood

"Craigslist is actually a great way to find stuff that's been murdered on." - Alex Horwood

‎"Why a groundhog, anyway? I want a bear in a cape to decide this shit, and someone should have to die..." Alex Horwood

At the grocery store with Josh, we pass some snack nuts.
Josh: "Nuts... heh."
me: "Deez nuts."
Josh: "You're the best wife."
me: "I am, aren't I..."

"The frog asked for it" -my mother, on the horrible "chimp rapes frog" youtube video.

"What's the least heard phrase in Switzerland? "They're the black guy's skis." - My dad, ever politically correct.

Manju (singing in Indian goat voice): If I had a rich man... yeidle deidle deidle dum...

lul

Chantelle: "I like your lips!" me: "Oh, thanks!"
Chantelle: "... I mean, not in a kinky way but they're pretty."

Patrick describes the rules to Edward 40 Hands. Stacy: who came up with these stupid rules? Patrick: Edward 40 Hands!

just because vaseline rhymes with gasoline, doesn't mean you can masturbate with gas or pump your car full... that was a rough night. -Jed

Adam Hutton's Ranty Birthday Party Invitation

I don't normally post anything this long, but this is pure gold and must be documented. This is Adam Hutton's facebook birthday invite:

"Spaghetti banquet/ipecac vomit contest and ancillary birthday party
I've been talking about doing this for years and now it's finally going to happen. At 9pm we'll begin serving a vast smorgasbord of delicious spaghetti and then soon thereafter each of the contest participants will take a spoonful of ipecac in an attempt to synchronize our projectile vomiting. A relief area with tarps and garbage cans will be provided for the heroes who participate. Showers will be provided for victims of poor aim and splashback.

How will this contest be judged? Much like preschool; everyone who tries will get a hug, a prize*, and declared winner.

*commemorative poncho

Gross? Absolutely. Painful? Very likely. A story you'll be telling for the rest of your life? You know it!

Cowards and lookie-loos who don't want to join in the fun can... I don't know; just get drunk and play ping pong or something. I guess. Pansies. BYOB/D because after buying the ponchos, tarps, and garbage cans that will likely be unusable and considered disposable after this event I will be a poor person."

hey, you guys wanna see a bunch of dogs that look stoned? - kari, no prompting, at dinner

ow, that burns. like montgomery. -josh

Tommy: so I am not going to tell Sunny,
but I'm going to wear my cowboy hat the whole time I'm in San Antonio.

Mark: Charles Krauthammer and Perez Hilton both said Palin sucked. They have never agreed on anything else... but do you know who Krauthammer is, that weird conservo who looks like he just got a prune stuck up his ass."

I googled it. It's true. I'm still amazed my dad knows (or cares) who Perez Hilton is.

My dad...

Mark: what's harder to find than a BYU blues band?
a BYU virgin. or a skinny byu coed.

Mark: palin used the term "blood libel" that should be reserved for jews only. by the way, i'm putting together a jewish bluegrass band called Jewgrass.

me: as long as there's a klezmer involved...

I have gravy in my hair... - Christy

what an even ink trail this pen leaves. whew. fine pen. -eric fisher