And I bedazzled the shit out of it! -Elyse

"You wack, ya family's wack, you don't know how to raise ya kids..."  - Woman having a seemingly serious conversation with another woman on the street, Flatbush.

Now I'm gonna sing you a song about the nature of time. - Someone who really should have stopped introducing their songs

Now I'm gonna sing you a song about the nature of time.

Denise Cartwright

My customer service representative at the NY Times just lowered my payments, upgraded my account, refunded money I had previously paid, and sang me the entire Simon and Garfunkel song "At the Zoo". So far so good, Sunday.

Alex Horwood

Breaking news!!! Yesterday i had my first kale chip! They do taste just like chips...if you've never had chips and they were described to you as broccoli trying too hard...

Ana: I prefer my women fat and trustworthy
I mean, if I were a dude
those skinny bitches ain't got nowhere to hide their secrets
fat girls have rolls

me: Wait. Doesn't that mean fat girls can be sneakier?

Ana: I don't make the rules here
I just play the game
also, I'm gonna cut an album called Fat Bitches Be Trustworthy

Josh: Tranny is the new black.

I will go Costco on yo ass!

Upon exiting my building, I'm instantly annoyed by the two men yelling about Jesus on the streetcorner. "Have you been saved? Do you believe in Jesus Christ?" a man demands of me. "NOOP!", I reply, avoiding eye contact. "Okay, well, you should know that for sure, because..." "YEP!"