Can I ask you what made you cut your hair? Me: Um, long hair just wasn't... Me. - it looks good, I was just wondering. That takes guts.

That cocker spaniel lived eleven years after it bit my nose off. - Eric Fisher

If only I could meet the sex addict, drug addict, exercise addict. - my dad

My parents

on Kristen, their friend who died last year: Mom: "Yeah, she could sing lower than the rest of us. And probably higher."

Dad: "In her day."

Mom: "NO, when she was nearly dead."

sarcasm

"1999 called, they want their oxygen bar back." my dad

Jesus, take the wheel

Josh: ...that time I passed out drunk with my car still running...
me: Jesus took the wheel!?
Josh: Yeah.
me: So Jesus knows how to drive, but he doesn't know how to park? Or he just left it running so you knew he'd been by your side all along?

Man with massive medallion in DC to Josh: Sir do you know Jesus? You don't look like you do!

Why he still out there holding ice to his face? Because I smashed him in it! I don't even know, I can't control myself anymore! Is the pizza place open? I gotta piss. Man, why is my night going like this? I shouldn't have drank so much Hennessy.
- woman at 11:30 on Tuesday night at the Kennedy Fried Chicken

I win.

Ana: Are you ready for what I'm about to say?
me: Uh, sure. Ready as I'll ever be.
Ana: JGL wins over James Franco. I give in. Franco is annoying the SHIT out of me recently... I was watching this documentary about this artist, totally amazing, right. AND FOR NO REASON JAMES FRANCO WAS IN IT
out loud, I said "GET OUT OF MY MOVIE, JAMES FRANCO!"

Amazing.

I think some men are intimidated by strong women, but I respect your collection of swords and your skeleton throne.
- Bastard Keith

Ryan Paul, evil genius

I keep seeing those Nick Cave ads on the subways

I want to creatively deface them to Say Nic Cage

and put nicholas cage faces on the llamas

Truly one of the sweetest things ever said to me!

Miaken Christensen

I know this is random, but you popped into my head today and I just wanted you to know how much I appreciate the fact that you are always so supportive of your friends and the projects they are working on.  I have really appreciated all the support and encouragement you have always offered! Thanks for being that for me and many others!

Bworst?

  I feel like we would make the best or the worst lesbian couple. I can't tell. - Ana

Oh, Dad.

Dad: "Better'n a poke in the eye with a sharp stick."
me: "Ah, ever the optimist."
Dad: "Although at just the right time a poke in the eye can be quite nice."


About the neighborhood ducks: "Seems that Ferdinand has bit it. There's a new guy on the scene. But Julie is around. Ferdinand was the banded duck that was with her, but he mighta bit it. There's some other lout about."

On coming back to town to visit: "Eh, when you live in New York, you don't come back to scumtown. Just remember, once you move back to shitbox here you'll be bored to tears."

Geoff Taylor

When I die, there will be a dirge of circus people playing the closing theme to SNL (a waltz in A), marching through the interstate highways with dancing strippers decorated as...harpies. Orphans dressed in ponchos coated with dioxin fling water balloons filled with vitriol, and there's a fire twirler.

Adam Hutton

I've decided my supervillian name is going to be "Sarcasmo" and I'm making a compound or device that alters the brain such that my victims won't be able to tell if someone is being serious or sardonic for several hours, and while the security guards are angrily re-assuring each other "no, I really mean it, I'm serious" I slip in and steal all the ...things. Jewels or something maybe? I don't know, I haven't really thought this out too far ahead.

Does anybody have a Lycra body suit or something I can have?

Me: that's a nice suit. BK: thanks! It's a blue surge... Me: Do they make it in men's? BK: you FUCK!

"Oh yeah, I forgot to text my mom congratulations for getting married yesterday."

That is a thing that was said.

Ann, hung over, puking at quarter to 4:
"The only cool thing about that was my tears made my eyelashes look like Twiggy."

That's a bad bitch, I think.