Feverish Dave

Dave had a terrible fever. I dropped by to bring him soup, and found him chattering and clammy. He had made a cardboard puppet he was creepily talking through. He was deliriously intense about trying to get his fever broken, but when he sat up he got nauseous.

me: "How is sitting?"
D: "It's good! It's in my top three.  … and I'm sweating, so that's good."
me: "Is it? I don't think it is."

…
D: "Come on, sweat dammit! Sweat!"

You guys, I just had bubble tea for the first time? I kinda feel like I got raped. - Jess,  at Lillie's

Kira and Kris about that one time when Kris' mom freaked out because she couldn't find her crack

Kira: "Well maybe the cat's the one who got the crack rocks from inside the wall your mom was looking for-"
Kris: "- then everything looks like crack because you've got drywall everywhere."

Crepe puns with Stacey

I am sick of your crepe!

Stop being a crepe!